Our church is studying Nehemiah's story of rebuilding the wall around Jerusalem, and every week someone shares a story about God doing something big in their life -- a "brick story". (Bricks in the wall? Get it?) This Sunday is my (Pat's) turn.
Truth be told, I have wasted years of my life being afraid. It seems uncertainty has always been a part of my life and I've gotten really good at being afraid and feeling I have a good reason for it. Fear takes on many forms and few of us are fearful of the same things so without going into too much detail I'll just tell you that I was stricken with a lot of fear a few weeks ago. Crying a lot, scared, anxious, wanting OUT! Most of it centered around recuring symptoms of the movement disorder that put me in bed for almost a year.
"Was I getting sick again?"
"How long this time? How bad? And what will I have to give up?"
"What will Kevin do if I am sick in bed again!"
"No! I don't want to go back there!"
"How will we do our missions work? How will it affect our support?"
If you imagine me saying all that in a high fragile voice and looking as though I was talking to my finger...you get the idea.
I found myself trying to hide behind two things: Kevin (cuz he's comforting and wise) and rationalizing that my fear was justified. Sure, getting sick again would really stink, but was I right to be frightened of the possibility? Sure, I was worried about our financial situation, and there seemed to be good reason to be, but did that make it right? The short answer God gave me was, "No." My fears and my worries were sin. Clear and simple.
So I went to God, whom I really do trust, and who I know to be gentle, kind, and loving. Once I realized I was being disobedient, I told Him...well, confessed really. I told a couple of friends, too, asking that they pray for me. I'm happy to report that I feel calm again, secure in my faith.
Preparing for Sunday's talk I looked at a lot of verses about fear. Basically, it is NEVER okay to be afraid of anything or anyone, except God. In fact our faith is worked out through fear of the Lord. Philippians 2:12 says "Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."
I was afraid of going back to bed for a year and now, even if that is God's plan, it is alright with me, because it is him acting according to his good purpose in me. I trust that, because I trust Him.
Thank you to the friends that listened and prayed for me. And thank YOU for listening now.