Wednesday, January 21, 2009

My new theme song...

Sometimes our friend Joe puts lyrics to a song that is speaking to him on his blog and so I thought I would take a page out of his book and do the same...

I don't care if I go crazy,
crazy go I if care don't I
I don't care if I go crazy,
crazy go I if care don't I

I can actually sing this song. And the reason it appeals to me is that I have had a really -really- awful 20 days. The afternoon of the Dec. 31st, I began a relapse. I'm back in bed and until yesterday afternoon when God gave me "a talkin' to" I was unbelievably depressed about it. More on that later.

Kevin told me yesterday (Kevin: super genius and some-times "wise guy") that sometimes the way to be a testimony is to be genuine about the bad times. So here is me 'genuining' all over the place! I have been in bed most of the time since then and actually had to use my cane for the first time since Sept. 10th. Picking up that cane brought on UNBELIEVABLE DEPRESSION, HOPELESSNESS, GRIEF, HUMILIATION, DISAPPOINTMENT, FRUSTRATION, CONFUSION, SELF-HATRED...okay, enough genuineness, you get the picture.

And so, cane in hand we went to the Dr. (may I say, I have a really great Doctor who isn't near ready to give up on us) And as I prayed for the strength to not cry while I was with her, so she could see God's strength in me, I began to cry like a baby going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Not what I was hoping for.

Blah, blah, blah, -up shot...we are trying a different antidepressant hoping the symptoms I have are a result of the current one I have been on for more than two years and this will take care of what is wrong with the grey-matter still sloshing around my cranium.

Oh, yeah, the "talk" I got. Well, yesterday God reminded me of the night my pastors were praying for me, God told me then I had hardened my heart toward being healed...He reminded me I had done so, again. I DO trust Him and it really changed my attitude when He reminded me of that yesterday. And now, I have hope again, knowing that I am in the hands of a God that loves me, and knows what is going on, and (even when I have...) He hasn't given up.

Please pray for us, and thank you to all of you who have been. Our love and thanks to all of you!


Chris May said...

Praying for you our sweet friend.
The Mays

Pencilwit said...

Thanks, from the bottom of our hearts. Bill once asked me if I was scared it would come it turned out when it did, I was terrified. He was right. I think of that often. I am gratful for such great friends.

Anonymous said...

I'm deeply, heart-squeezingly hurting for you. I wish I were there, to hang out in your room with you, and listen to you, and watch old movies. We could have fun : )
But, I am here and you are there :(
Still, you are not ever far from my mind.
Hang in there, sister!
Love you,